Beer

you know what is remarkable about beer? it tastes horrible but we drink it en masse. I realized right now why that is. because when you are feeling depressed, i mean completely and utterly horrible, the taste of beer can match how you are feeling with taste. and for some reason i find that symmetry between emotion and my taste buds soothing.

i am more than a little freaked out right now, i have had this fear of dying for a long time, it stemmed of me fear of being alone that i had when i was a kid. as i grew up and got hurt over and over by people i care about and hurt them in kind... well i learned to deal with being alone... and then i became scared of dying... of what if when i die, there is nothing... not even me anymore. and that idea, how does the idea of being alone compare to the idea of not being... of not even being able to think... or comprehend.... it all just goes. and for some reason that seems like its right ya know. like yeah that's what happens, it fits perfectly with logic and it's just waiting there like the indecent punchline of someone's dead baby joke.

how are we supposed to combat this? my first thought was to touch people... to make an impact on as many lives as you can, i mean if you meaningfully interact with people, your life meant something right? except they die. and then you are gone. or you could always try to leave some sort of legacy. write, create, invent... do something so that the species will remember you after you are gone... i mean the species will too die someday, and even before that im sure that anything we do will just be forgotten, any great work or contribution you give will someday will just end up becoming part of some long ago civilization.... but what else can we do.. can we do anything?

and here i am in life... unable to do anything because i can see death coming towards me. and i'm frozen in its headlights.

When I Grow Up

I want to be Doc Hammer

glad to find something to make me smile this morning

Unfortunate

So I got dumped... again. I moved things too fast, too far, and got in way too deep. So nothing too new there. I started off this evening by finishing off the last of my anti-depressants, i haven't touched those in weeks, luckily i didn't have many left... i then proceeded to shoot a bottle of rum down with my buddy Eric while we watched the old Adam West batman movie, and even drunk that movie makes no sense.

I really didn't care if I ended tonight dead in a puddle of vomit, well of I do... I'm not suicidal but.. I just don't give a damn about things right now, ya know? I just don't care. What is really unfortunate is that even as drunk as I got. I can't sleep now, not a bloody wink. I try to drink myself into a stupor but I can't sleep all I have got is my mind replaying things over and over and over with all these possibilities of how I could have done things different, but at the end of the day, truly? Fuck her(okay so admittedly I WILL miss that part but that's besides the point I am trying to make). I am not going to say that I am such a huge prize and that it's her loss, but really, fuck it. If I didn't mess things up then I didn't so why waste my mind wondering how I could have fixed what she fucked up.

So yeah... I'm not completely good yet, fuck I haven't been truly good in a long fucking time but.. you know as sad as it is to be pouring out my woes on the tear-stained pages of dear diary, it feels good to be writing this out